Changes

I feel like everything is changing, but when I really think about it, I think the only thing changing is me. And I don't think it's for the better either. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel lonely, I'm upset all the time, my heart physically hurts. It hurts like it does after I've gone running. I want to be happy. Yeah I still have fun with friends, I still laugh, I still smile when I see the sun, but there's something missing. It's like a light burned out within myself, and I can't find a new lightbulb, so I'm feeling around for it in the dark.

I'm typing this all out in hopes that as I think about it and put it into words, I'll be able to figure out why I feel this way. I think part of it has to do with the fact that last week, some of my friends made it quite clear that they were mad at me for some choices I'm making. I realize that as my friends they are just voicing their concerns because they love me and want the best for me. Yet at the same time, I wish they could be nicer about it. What they had to say really hurt my feelings and I became angry with them. I felt like they didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing, and all I'd wanted from them was their support. It's so hard doing what I think will make me happy, when everyone I love around me feels differently. Are they right? Or am I right? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe what I'm chasing after, really is bad for me and won't make me happy. Or maybe they are afraid they'll lose me if I make these choices, and so they are doing what they can to try and keep me close? I really don't know. It's probably a little bit of all of it.

All I really want, really truly want, is someone I can love who loves me back. Friends can only get you so far. But having that one person you share everything with, the person who you know inside and out, the person who gets you, the person who holds you close and whispers in your ear how much you mean to them, the person you would do anything for, that's what I want. I think finding that takes time, and it takes work. Both of which I am willing to put in for the right person. It's just finding the right person that seems to be the problem. I don't think my expecations for what I'm looking for are unreasonable. Confidence, respectful, adventurous, thoughtful, good sense of humor. Those aren't hard qualities to come by. But for whatever reason, I'm still alone. All I can figure is that there's something I must be doing that makes me come off as undateable, or unobtainable. Either way, I'm still alone.