Scared

So I'm planning to go back to Utah to visit, but honestly, I'm scared to go back. Well more like, I'm afraid how hard it's going to be for me to leave and come back to New York. Since the first day I came back to New York last Augsut, my only goal, my reason for being able to endure all the crap I've been through in New York, was the thought that someday soon I'd be back in Utah. Back to my own life, doing things my way, on my time. Now that my goal of moving back to Utah has once again been postponed, I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle a four day visit. Am I really going to be able to leave it all behind and return to Buffalo? Will four days be enough to hold me over until I can move back? Will my friends still like me even though I've made some lifestyle changes? These thoughts horrify me. What if it's not enough? Would I have the strength to leave it any way and go back to my family and my job?

I'm really really scared. I pray that through God's help, I will be able to enjoy Utah for a visit and be able to leave when it's time for me to go. I'm pretty sure that with my strength alone I won't be able to just visit. I've been wanting to go for a visit for months, but never booked a time to go for this very reason. I'm hoping that because I have people traveling with me to Utah, it'll make it easier for me to remember that it's just a temporary getaway.

Almost every day I wonder if choosing to stay in Buffalo awhile longer is really the right decision. Even after having fasted and prayed about it, and receiving a blessing, I sometimes still wonder if I'm wrong. Maybe I only feel I have to be here still because I feel guilty leaving my family like I did once before. Maybe it's because I don't have as much money saved up as I would like. Maybe it's because I like that I have a stable good paying job, and I fear that if I move back to Utah I won't find one as good. Maybe I'm afraid I won't be able to maintain the lifestyle choices I've made for myself since I left utah. There's so many reasons that could be making me feel like I have to stay. Maybe they are all reasons for why I really should get out of here. It's hard for me to say.

However at the same time, I think of the people who have influenced my life since I've been here, the experiences I've had, [both bad and good] and the relationships with my sisters and father that have become stronger since I've been home. I think about how they have changed my life, the way I look at things, and the way I feel about myself, and remember that even though being here has been really hard, it's been worth it. I can do this. And I will.

Ether 12:6
"And now, I Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

Party at Tyler's

This weekend Tyler had a surprise goodbye party for his friend Justin who is leaving for basic training soon. Me and Devin went to the party and turned his basement into the sickest dance party I've been to in awhile. We turned off all the lights except for the black lights that we'd brought, and we blasted dance music from my ipod. It was so much fun. I danced for a good six hours before I was too pooped out to continue. I ended up going upstairs to meet people, and to play rockband. Gosh I love that game. Unfortunately, I was also sick and ended up going to the bathroom a good fourteen times or so. By the time 11:30pm rolled around, I was ready for bed! But since me and Dev had brought the only source of good music, I felt bad about leaving the party when no one was leaving yet. I ended up falling asleep on and off until around 12:30am when I went and danced some more, socialized a bit, and then crashed again. I should mention that earlier that day I had done a really long hard workout that ripped my body apart, and it had finally caught up with me. I fell asleep a second time sometime after 1am, and other than waking up to use the bathroom three more times [Iwas basically still sleeping when Iwas] I didn't wake up until Devin found me and told me it was time to go. What time was it? 4am!!! And I had church in the morning! We were the last ones to leave, and despite being sick, and sleeping so much the second half of the party, it was well worth it. What a party! I need to make sure Tyler has another at his house before I go back to Utah, that was too much fun!