Quality Time

Yesterday I got to spend some much needed one on one time with each of my siblings. Michael didn't go to school as my mom was sick and didn't wake up to take him, so he spent the day with me. We went to coldstone to visit my friend ryan at work and we got some delicious ice cream. We took pictures just for fun and he came to work with me. We had a fun time. I ended up stopping by my mom's to drop him off and decided to stay and visit for a bit. It was nice to see my mom for a few minutes. Cariann and I went on a long walk when she got home and had a very great conversation. And then to top off the night, Ashlie and I went to the drive in together to watch a movie, just the two of us. She ended up falling asleep halfway through, but it was still nice just having her there with me. I really need to spend more time like that with all of them. I miss spending that time together.

Ithaca

So I decided to go visit Danny in Ithaca this past weekend. I had never been there before, so I figured, why not? It was one of the most enjoyable weekends I've had in a long time. There's so much to do outside, and its absolutely beautiful there. I met some pretty awesome people and did a lot of fun things. His family is hilarious. And his friends are really chill and fun. We went tubing, hiking, took pictures, went driving around, had a bonfire, saw a waterfall, had a hoola hoop contest, [I won] watching the sunset, stargazing, cuddling, watching avatar the last airbender, singing in the car, playing super smash brothers, it doesn't get better than that! I can't wait to go up there again this weekend. It's like a mini Utah.

chilling at the lighthouse

sailboat

our little friend charlie

out hiking

soo pretty

the biggest tree I've ever seen

the pictures don't do this justice

the sky was literally a rainbow

Changes

I feel like everything is changing, but when I really think about it, I think the only thing changing is me. And I don't think it's for the better either. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel lonely, I'm upset all the time, my heart physically hurts. It hurts like it does after I've gone running. I want to be happy. Yeah I still have fun with friends, I still laugh, I still smile when I see the sun, but there's something missing. It's like a light burned out within myself, and I can't find a new lightbulb, so I'm feeling around for it in the dark.

I'm typing this all out in hopes that as I think about it and put it into words, I'll be able to figure out why I feel this way. I think part of it has to do with the fact that last week, some of my friends made it quite clear that they were mad at me for some choices I'm making. I realize that as my friends they are just voicing their concerns because they love me and want the best for me. Yet at the same time, I wish they could be nicer about it. What they had to say really hurt my feelings and I became angry with them. I felt like they didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing, and all I'd wanted from them was their support. It's so hard doing what I think will make me happy, when everyone I love around me feels differently. Are they right? Or am I right? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe what I'm chasing after, really is bad for me and won't make me happy. Or maybe they are afraid they'll lose me if I make these choices, and so they are doing what they can to try and keep me close? I really don't know. It's probably a little bit of all of it.

All I really want, really truly want, is someone I can love who loves me back. Friends can only get you so far. But having that one person you share everything with, the person who you know inside and out, the person who gets you, the person who holds you close and whispers in your ear how much you mean to them, the person you would do anything for, that's what I want. I think finding that takes time, and it takes work. Both of which I am willing to put in for the right person. It's just finding the right person that seems to be the problem. I don't think my expecations for what I'm looking for are unreasonable. Confidence, respectful, adventurous, thoughtful, good sense of humor. Those aren't hard qualities to come by. But for whatever reason, I'm still alone. All I can figure is that there's something I must be doing that makes me come off as undateable, or unobtainable. Either way, I'm still alone.

Last Week at UB

So for the past month I've spent almost every single day at the UB South Campus with Megan. I've made quite a few friends there. This weekend was great as I spent most of it there. We played mario kart, halo 3, watched movies, sat in a circle and sang songs from the movie Hercules, Rent, Wicked, etc. It was awesome. It's sad though, because a lot of them I may quite possibly never see again. Some are moving to houses off campus, some are leaving the country to study abroad, and some just wont be on the same floor again. I'm definitely trying to enjoy it while it lasts though. I've gotten some good quality super smash brothers time in the last couple days with Terris, Danny, Jason and John, went and laid in the grass out underneath a tree at the golf course with Danny across from UB, played cards with Steph, Pete, Christian, and Terris, and tonight I'm hoping we can get a game night in after helping Danny clean his room as a way of saying goodbye before everyone leaves tomorrow.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all of the new found freetime I'll have over the summer since I won't be able to go to UB anymore, and they will all be away for the summer. I'm thinking I might take a road trip to Utah and to San Diego as I'll have some time off in July when my boss and her kids will be away. I also bought myself a piano keyboard as a birthday present to myself, so I can start learning how to play piano. I've been wanting to learn for years. I'm also considering applying for classes at ECC just to be doing something with my spare time next fall. But that also means I'd be guaranteed stuck in New York until this coming December. Gosh that's a long time! And I don't wanna be here THAT long. I might die! haha. I definitely want to do a camping trip this summer though. I'm gonna need some serious outdoors time to keep my sanity in check. It's finding people who can go with me that's the problem.

Dance Party

Tyler [T.F.] had a dance party friday night. It was cinco de mayo themed. I brought all the lighting, and Devin and Casey provided the sound system and music. It was pretty fun. I wasn't really in a dancing mood [which it turns out i need to be in, in order to really dance] but it was still an enjoyable time. I got to see one of my oldest friends Justin and his girlfriend. I've known Justin since we were five years old. I don't see him very often anymore though sadly. Gosh I miss that kid. Anywho, Devin and Casey were totally killin it that night. I was way impressed. Reminded me that I have a lot of work to do if I ever wanna be that good!