Changes

I feel like everything is changing, but when I really think about it, I think the only thing changing is me. And I don't think it's for the better either. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel lonely, I'm upset all the time, my heart physically hurts. It hurts like it does after I've gone running. I want to be happy. Yeah I still have fun with friends, I still laugh, I still smile when I see the sun, but there's something missing. It's like a light burned out within myself, and I can't find a new lightbulb, so I'm feeling around for it in the dark.

I'm typing this all out in hopes that as I think about it and put it into words, I'll be able to figure out why I feel this way. I think part of it has to do with the fact that last week, some of my friends made it quite clear that they were mad at me for some choices I'm making. I realize that as my friends they are just voicing their concerns because they love me and want the best for me. Yet at the same time, I wish they could be nicer about it. What they had to say really hurt my feelings and I became angry with them. I felt like they didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing, and all I'd wanted from them was their support. It's so hard doing what I think will make me happy, when everyone I love around me feels differently. Are they right? Or am I right? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe what I'm chasing after, really is bad for me and won't make me happy. Or maybe they are afraid they'll lose me if I make these choices, and so they are doing what they can to try and keep me close? I really don't know. It's probably a little bit of all of it.

All I really want, really truly want, is someone I can love who loves me back. Friends can only get you so far. But having that one person you share everything with, the person who you know inside and out, the person who gets you, the person who holds you close and whispers in your ear how much you mean to them, the person you would do anything for, that's what I want. I think finding that takes time, and it takes work. Both of which I am willing to put in for the right person. It's just finding the right person that seems to be the problem. I don't think my expecations for what I'm looking for are unreasonable. Confidence, respectful, adventurous, thoughtful, good sense of humor. Those aren't hard qualities to come by. But for whatever reason, I'm still alone. All I can figure is that there's something I must be doing that makes me come off as undateable, or unobtainable. Either way, I'm still alone.

Last Week at UB

So for the past month I've spent almost every single day at the UB South Campus with Megan. I've made quite a few friends there. This weekend was great as I spent most of it there. We played mario kart, halo 3, watched movies, sat in a circle and sang songs from the movie Hercules, Rent, Wicked, etc. It was awesome. It's sad though, because a lot of them I may quite possibly never see again. Some are moving to houses off campus, some are leaving the country to study abroad, and some just wont be on the same floor again. I'm definitely trying to enjoy it while it lasts though. I've gotten some good quality super smash brothers time in the last couple days with Terris, Danny, Jason and John, went and laid in the grass out underneath a tree at the golf course with Danny across from UB, played cards with Steph, Pete, Christian, and Terris, and tonight I'm hoping we can get a game night in after helping Danny clean his room as a way of saying goodbye before everyone leaves tomorrow.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all of the new found freetime I'll have over the summer since I won't be able to go to UB anymore, and they will all be away for the summer. I'm thinking I might take a road trip to Utah and to San Diego as I'll have some time off in July when my boss and her kids will be away. I also bought myself a piano keyboard as a birthday present to myself, so I can start learning how to play piano. I've been wanting to learn for years. I'm also considering applying for classes at ECC just to be doing something with my spare time next fall. But that also means I'd be guaranteed stuck in New York until this coming December. Gosh that's a long time! And I don't wanna be here THAT long. I might die! haha. I definitely want to do a camping trip this summer though. I'm gonna need some serious outdoors time to keep my sanity in check. It's finding people who can go with me that's the problem.

Dance Party

Tyler [T.F.] had a dance party friday night. It was cinco de mayo themed. I brought all the lighting, and Devin and Casey provided the sound system and music. It was pretty fun. I wasn't really in a dancing mood [which it turns out i need to be in, in order to really dance] but it was still an enjoyable time. I got to see one of my oldest friends Justin and his girlfriend. I've known Justin since we were five years old. I don't see him very often anymore though sadly. Gosh I miss that kid. Anywho, Devin and Casey were totally killin it that night. I was way impressed. Reminded me that I have a lot of work to do if I ever wanna be that good!

Letting it go

I know that half of the stuff I write on here is about Utah. [Ok, more than half.] I'm sure that's getting annoying to all of you, especially when I talk about my plans for moving that I make, and then I don't move, so I make new plans to move, and they don't happen, so I make plans again, you see where this is going.

I've decided I need to stop spending so much time thinking about Utah. Trying to move back, and trying to get out of Buffalo again. Yeah I want to move back, but I can't right now. I need to just let it go and come to terms with it. Everything will work out in due time. I just need to be patient, stop asking when, and start thinking about why I'm still here, what is it that I haven't learned yet, or something I need to be here to experience that hasn't happened yet.

I've wasted so much time, lost so many great opportunities since I've been in New York, cause I've been obsessed with getting back to Utah. Well that's all going to change. I started going out and making friends with people, I started going to Rochester every Sunday for church so as to get to know other people my age. I stopped looking for jobs in Utah, and places out there to live. I need to start spending more time working on myself, my family, and church. Really focusing on what I need to get done. Like getting my GED for example. Maybe taking a couple classes at ECC in September? Who knows, but what I do know, is that I'm here now, and I need to focus on being here.

"I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.
 There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!" --President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Spring Time

I love the Spring! It's perfect. The weather changes, plants start to grow, and all of the little critters start to come out to play. Oh I love the spring time! I took a couple pictures while out on a walk, and also took some of the flowers in the front of my church building, to show how pretty spring in Buffalo can be. Enjoy! :]

Weekend with the Family

My Grandpa and Uncle from my dad's side of the family came into town for my cousins baby blessing at church. It was really great to see them both and to get to spend some much needed quality time with the family. Bowling, go karting, frisbee, flying kites, playing at the park, drawing with chalk, and parking lot dancing. We had a whole lot of fun! More pictures soon to follow, I just haven't uploaded them all yet.

Quaker Steak & Lube -- Wing Buffet!

So me and some of my guy friends from church went to Quaker Steak & Lube for their all you can eat wing buffet they have every tuesday. They have around 20 different flavors of wings, all of which were way good. They even have one called the atomic, that you have to sign a waiver of liability to even eat because its so flippin hot. I did not eat the atomic, I didn't want to be hospitalized! We played the "no wipe game" which I invented. Basically you aren't allowed to lick your lips or wipe off your face until everyone has finished eating. Let's just say half my meal ended up on my face! Haha! :]

My Love of Sundays

Megan, Maria, and I have decided to start attending the YSA ward up in Rochester for church on Sundays. It's about an hour and ten minute drive, but so worth it. It's nice being able to go to church, and everyone is in your age range, and is in the same stage of life. It's much different from a family ward. I really love it. This week, Steve asked if she could come with us. I was overjoyed! She said she really liked it, and even asked questions while we were there. I decided that even if she never comes again, or she decides it isn't for her, it's ok, because she had a good experience and tried something different. I'm so proud of her. I really do love Steve as a sister.

Right before we left to head back to Buffalo, I ran outside to the front of the building and snapped a few pictures of the tulips, and daffodils growing in front of the church. I may have gotten a photo gig because of it! I love taking pictures. [obviously!] I also got to see some of my new friends and visited with them for a little bit. I really like Kathleen and Shawn, they are way fun.

After church we as a group [Maria, Megan, Steve, and I] decided to go to Glenn Falls Park. It was beautiful! The trees are blooming, flowers are growing, the sun was shining, and you can never go wrong with a waterfall! We didn't stay too long, but feeling my bare feet in the cool grass after so many months, was just what I needed. I'm so grateful for little moments like that!

We ended up dropping Maria off at home and then going to Megan's dorm to eat dinner and to play The Settlers of Catan. I'm not sure why, but I was really clumsy all that afternoon. I managed to spill just about everything I ate and drank all over my church dress, on my shoes, and even got some in my hair. I don't know what was happening. I ended up feeling pretty sick after dinner too, so playing settlers wasn't as enjoyable as normal. I went to bed earlier than I have in a few months. I've been so tired lately. I really haven't been getting enough sleep.

All in all though, it was a day spent with people I love, and that for me, that is plenty grand.

Dance Party

Friday night I held a dance party at Megan's dorm. It was a blast! There was a pretty good turn out, and just about everyone danced. We even got a couple rounds of dancing charades in which are always hilarious. I was planning on going with Danny and some of his friends to another party after I took Bryan home, but my friends who were still wanting to hang out didn't want to go. I was pretty disappointed, but I wasn't about to ditch them. That's not me. We had a lot of fun though. The night ended with a round of settlers, [which I didn't play] and then everyone went their separate ways. It was a great way to get everyone pumped for Tyler's dance party that's coming up on the 30th. That should be pretty killer.

Settlers of Catan

So there is this strategy game similar to risk called The Settlers of Catan. I love it as it makes me think and I'm good at it, but it turns out I'm a little too good. I almost never lose. In twenty games I'll win 19 times. I'm not sure why I'm so good at it, but it's gotten to the point where me and some friends of mine play it every day. They are determined to beat me. I'm actually getting bored of the game because I do win so often. Unless you know the game, the pictures I post won't make any sense to you. I'm always the white pieces.